Ned and Ted
by LazerTH
Summary: Follow two bumbling Space Pirates as they embark on an extraordinarily dangerous assignment - observing the Bounty Hunter.
1. HYMY734

Ned and Ted's Misadventures

By LazerTH

Author's notes:

To humans, Space Pirates are horrible-looking creatures. Over seven feet tall, they resemble hulking, humanoid praying mantises with black exoskeletons, scythes for arms and the occasional Galvanic Accelerator Arm Cannon. They are known for their cold, calculating efficiency, their ruthlessness and desire to have dominion over the galaxy, or Milky Way as humans named it. In this tale of two Space Pirates, code-named Ned and Ted for their own security, we shall accompany the unlikely duo as they hunt the most elusive of prey: Samus Aran. But, all tales must start at the beginning. This one begins one month after the destruction of planet SR388 and the BSL station.

Chapter 1: HYMY-734

            "A pet. You own a _pet?_"

            They were in the Soldier's Deck of the defense satellite HYMY-734, orbiting the research planet (code-named) ALT-F4. The majority of the deck's inhabitants were high-ranking Pirates, chattering among themselves around a table where illegal trades were in progress (fusion grenades and laser-cutter scythe mounts, to name a few). Ned and Ted, being Rank-C Soldiers, were separate and apart from the noisy group. Ned was glaring incredulously at the Geemer crawling along Ted's outstretched scythe.

            "I discovered it outside the Habitation Sector of ALT-F4's research facility when we were sent down there for guard duty last week. Does it not remind you of our larval stage?"

            "Ted, are you aware of the _consequences_ of owning a pet?"

            Ted grimaced as only a Space Pirate could. Being deprived of rations, for much simpler reasons than pet ownership, had caused cannibalism among the soldiers of HYMY-737 more than once.

            "But… this creature makes me… nostalgic."

            Ned snorted derisively.

            "Emotions. Small wonder you are still Rank-C…"

            Ted glared.

            "And you, with your worthless study of human language, have you been promoted either?"

            Ned struck the Geemer from Ted's scythe. It skittered away and hid beneath the nearest table, unnoticed by the other Pirates.

            "Worthless! You would value a… a _pet_ higher than your rations! You are the foolish one!"

            They began to brawl, cutting each other up, crashing around the deck and overturning equipment and furniture to the great amusement of the higher-rank pirates. Ted was charging his arm cannon when a voice boomed in their auditory-sense organs.

            "RANK-C SOLDIERS NED AND TED! REPORT TO CAPTAIN'S DECK _AT ONCE!"_

In his amazement, Ted overloaded his arm cannon and it exploded, throwing him against a bulkhead. Ned got up trembling.

            "But… but he started it!"

***

            Quivering, scythes saluting, Ned and Ted stood before the Captain. The old Space Pirate was a hardened warrior, fully a metre taller than either of them, with a voice to match.

            "LOOK AT YOU TWO! BLEEDING ALL OVER MY CLEAN DECK. AND YOU, WITH THE BURNT CANNON. WHAT WERE YOU DOING?"

Ned quavered,

"F… fighting, Sir, but…"

_"SILENCE. _YOU ARE WORMS… SLIME, BENEATH MY CLAWS, AND THAT IS WHY I SUMMONED YOU TO…"

The Captain turned to his second in command.

"WHAT DID I SUMMON THEM HERE FOR?"

The second in command patiently droned,

"Special orders from High Command – to observe the Bounty Hunter and report…"

"YES, YES," the Captain roared, rounding on the pathetic Ned and Ted as if to bite their heads off, "TAKE A SHUTTLE TO ALT-F4 RESEARCH FACILITY! IT HAS ALREADY BEEN EVACUATED BECAUSE THE BOUNTY HUNTER WAS SPOTTED IN THIS SECTOR. WHEN _IT_ ARRIVES, YOU ARE TO OBSERVE AND REPORT ON _ITS_ ABILITIES! YOU, THE ONE BLEEDING FROM THE SHOULDER…"

"Ned, Sir…"

"YOUR NAME IS IRRELEVANT! YOU STUDIED THE HUMAN LANGUAGE?"

"Ye... Yes, Sir!"

"IDIOT! WHAT A WORTHLESS VENTURE! BUT HIGH COMMAND ORDAINED IT, YOU MAY BE ABLE TO TRANSLATE WHAT _IT_ SAYS, AND… _WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT!"_

Ted caught himself and looked like he had swallowed a Metroid hatchling.

"Uh… um…"

"SLIME! ACCOMPANY THE BLEEDING ONE… AS A BODYGUARD! YES, A FINE IDEA…"          

"You determined this before summoning them, Sir," the second in command quietly reminded his Captain.

"SILENCE! I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. NOW, YOU TWO IDIOTS…"

"Ned, Sir."

"Ted, Sir."

"WHATEVER! JUST… GO! YOU MAKE ME SICK."

He turned away from them.

"SECOND IN COMMAND, THERE'S A BLOODY MESS ON THE FLOOR. GET A JANITOR!"

The Captain turned around again, indicating the bodily fluids collecting around Ned and Ted. He then looked at the two Space Pirates standing in it.

"WHO'RE YOU TWO? GET OUT OF HERE YOU SLIME!"

They ran for the turbo lift.

***

            After a quick trip to the resident medic, Ned and Ted hopped into a shuttle and were ejected from HYMY-734. Their cargo consisted of a suitcase Ted brought along and Ned's arm-mounted computer, which contained all his data in his field of study, the English language.

            "It's amazing what you can find on the Internet," Ned commented as the shuttle edged nearer to ALT-F4, "There is an earth scientist who translated most of the Chozo language and some Space Pirate language. I considered a translator, and then…"

            "Have you considered SHUTTING UP about your studies? Have you considered that my interest in such things is ZERO?" Ted snapped. Ned shut up. Moments later a red blip came from the flight computer.

            _"Unidentified vessel approaching station HYMY-734. Weapons engaged on HYMY-734."_

"Put it on the rear view screen!" ordered Ned. Ted complied, and a zoomed-in view of the action appeared beneath the view of ALT-F4.

            "The Bounty Hunter's ship!" gasped Ted. In silence, they watched the small orange vessel dodge all manner of missiles and particle beams. It returned fire, hitting directly above the fuel cells.

            _KABOOM._ The defense satellite disintegrated before their very eyes. 

            And then the shockwave hit, followed by shredded remnants of the defense satellite that had been their home. Ned shoved Ted aside; he was the better pilot anyway.

            "Evasive maneuvers!" he cried, but it was too late. A burning piece of slag sliced into their rear thrusters, sending their little shuttle spinning out of control toward the forbidding surface of ALT-F4.


	2. ALTF4

Chapter 2: ALT-F4

            The pod fell from the sky as a comet of fire. It slowed down, shedding its coat of flame, and landed without a bump. 

            "Even with the thrusters destroyed, I made a perfect landing," Ned said proudly. He stood up, and a loud cracking noise was heard beneath them.

            "If the landing was perfect, why did you land on the edge of a cliff?"

The thin ledge of rock snapped off, taking the pod with it.

            "Idiot," Ted grumbled afterward. He hauled himself and his suitcase out of the smoking wreckage before he bothered to help Ned. 

            "Silence. It was a miscalculation."

            Falling from the cliff was, ironically, fortunate: a dome-shaped structure sat on the valley floor, one of the entrances to the Research Lab. They were walking toward it when another noise was heard, this time the faint roar of engines from above.

            "It is the gunship of the bounty hunter!" Ned exclaimed. 

            "Yes, yes. We must find cover."

            They hid behind a natural arch of rock and peered around it. The orange gunship descended, its exhaust creating huge dust clouds. The whine of its engines ceased (it hovered above the ground, like her first gunship), and Samus Aran ascended from it.

            "She is no longer clad in metal. What is that?"

            The power suit resembled a second skin. It was orange, with oval patches of yellow. 

            "Did you not study the report our spies on BSL made? Her power suit was changed after being attacked by an X parasite."

            Samus somersaulted from her ship. She went toward the still-smoking wreckage of the escape pod. She stood there, staring at it with her Scan visor. She turned her penetrating gaze toward the landscape, scanning for something, anything, that would explain the fresh crash site. Nothing. 

            "She has not seen us," confirmed Ned, back pressed against the rocky arch. He had procured a portable radar device from the pod. It would scan for any moving objects within a hundred-metre radius. Samus was walking toward the entrance to the Research Lab.

            "Wait until she is inside. Then we follow. The radar will show us where she us at all times."

            Samus shot the door open.

            "Data entry," Ned spoke into his arm cannon, which doubled as an onboard computer, "Samus Aran possesses a wide-range Ice Beam. How she has acquired this ability is unknown."

            "We know that she has an Ice Beam, the Chozos gave it to her," grumbled Ted.

            "Did you not read the spy report? She was injected with a Metroid vaccine that… oh, never mind. You are too ignorant for your own good. Follow me."

***

            The Space Pirate spies on the BSL had lived long enough to report that Samus sported a new power suit. They had hacked into the BSL archives, and learned about her X parasite infection and re-constructive surgery. They also discovered that her new cell structure, laced with Metroid DNA, would not tolerate an Ice Beam. Shortly after reporting that, the SA-X discovered them. X parasites took care of their other colleagues who had snuck aboard BSL. 

            What Ned had not figured out yet was that Samus had absorbed an SA-X. This had replenished all of her powers from her old suit, including the Grappling Beam, X-Ray, Thermal and Scan visors. Her suit was a fusion of Metroid _and _X parasite DNA. Samus Aran was a scientific impossibility.

            "Where'd she go?"

            "Here."

The aboveground entrance had led to a descending elevator, which led to a labyrinth of corridors. The radar blipped her position every now and then, so that Ned and Ted could trail her. So far, they followed at a safe distance.

"Faster. It makes no sense that we follow without observing."

"But our mission is no longer of importance! HYMY-734 was obliterated a few minutes ago. We felt the explosion and saw an asteroid that was thrown by it."

"Ted, you do not think ahead. There are hundreds of soldiers in this lab. After they destroy Samus, we will be transported to the nearest outpost on one of their ships."

"Oh. Well, let us get closer. Remember, I am not your decoy. The Captain is dead so his orders are null and void."

The next door swished open. They were on the staircase above a laboratory. The room contained five softly glowing glass pillars that extended from floor to ceiling. Control panels and computer screens were everywhere.

"Alpha Metroids, ten per container!" Ned whispered in awed fear. He had only seen them before in data logs. Translucent, globular, gelatinous body containing three red-purple nuclei, and four curved claws for latching onto prey… they were the deadliest creatures in the galaxy.

"Look! There she is."

Samus had her hand pressed onto one of the glass pillars. The Metroids took an interest in her. They bounced gently against their transparent prison, emitting low gurgling sounds.

"She stares at them."

"Look at how the Metroids react. It's as if they… recognize her."

They were crouched behind a console to observe her.

"Data log entry… Samus Aran has an affiliation with Metroids that is not fully understood. Perhaps the Metroid DNA injected into her bloodstream has given her an understanding of these creatures."

"Foolishness," Ted muttered. "She hates and fears them, she is the main reason for their near-extinction. She has pursued them across the galaxy."

"You do not… oh, what is the use. You are stupid, you have no insight into their…"

"Stop insulting me you fool!"

Ned received an elbow to his shoulder. He retaliated by using the flat end of his scythe on Ted's head.

"Argh!"

Samus whirled around. The Metroids became restless.

"You stupid idiot! She's heard us!"

"You started it!"

"Damn! She's walking this way!"

Samus was looking up at the console they were hiding behind. Her visors told her nothing, but she had definitely heard the grunt of a Space Pirate a few seconds ago. Her foot rested on the first step…

"Damn it! It's no use!"

Ted, shoving Ned aside, jumped upward and fired his Galvanic Accelerator Cannon. Samus was taken by surprise but used her arm cannon as a shield. She staggered backward.

"Die, bounty hunter!" Ted yelled, arm cannon ablaze. Samus took three direct blasts (which stunned her more than they damaged her) before taking action. She curled into the Morph Ball and rolled away, followed by the explosions of Ted's shots. She disappeared behind a pillar of Metroids.

"Stop firing you fool!" Ned yelled, and swatted Ted's arm away, "You'll break the containers you idiot!"

"She hides behind the same Metroids she helped to destroy. Come out, bounty hunter! Come out to die!"

Silence, save for irritated Metroid noises.

"You coward!" Ted shouted. Samus did not understand a word of it. She did, however, understand the art of battle. She dived to the left, rolling into a marksman's crouch. Before Ted even thought of reacting he was encased in ice. Ned stumbled backward and his claw rested on the console. He glanced down at it, and decided his fate. 

Samus prepared to finish off the frozen Pirate with a missile, but the snapping sound from the five glass pillars distracted her. 

The locks on all the pillars had been deactivated. The pillars began to rise…

"We die together, Samus Aran," Ned laughed. He heard her speak one word in the alien language of English. He was still rusty with his translation, but he was certain that Samus had just said, "Damn."

"Damn, indeed. Metroids will be your death!"

Fifty gleeful Metroids cried out in unison. Freedom! There is food here! Get the food! The Metroids swarmed around the two of them (Ted was lucky to be frozen; Metroids do not eat frozen hosts). There were so many Metroids attached to Ned that he lost balance and fell off the walkway. He landed into even more hungry Metroids. He could feel their ravenous claws sinking into his exoskeleton, sucking out his life essence. He would join the Chozo in a few seconds.

There was a blast of light, the roar of an explosion. And pain, lots of pain as he was thrown up and away by the shockwave. Ted was thawed and struck by the explosion simultaneously. After hitting the wall and then the floor, they lay very still.

Samus came out of her Morph Ball. She did not bother to scan the two Pirates; the Metroids and the detonation of her Power Bomb had obviously killed them. She did, however, spend a few seconds in silence for the premature death of so many Metroids. They had all disintegrated; there were only molecular remains… Not wasting any more grief upon their deaths, she took the nearest passageway out of the room.

***

            "What the hell happened?"

            "The bounty hunter destroyed the Metroid holding facility. She is heading toward this sector very slowly, she has become cautious."

            The nerve centre was a massive star-shaped room, each of the five points leading to key areas of the research lab. At the centre of the star was the lab's mainframe, where two computer operatives monitored their quarry.

            "She will be more dangerous now that…"

Two blips were onscreen.

"Who are those Space Pirates? They followed the bounty hunter until the holding facility was destroyed."

"There has been no word from HYMY-734."

"It does not matter. The power bomb has wounded them, perhaps fatally. They will not last long."

The operative lifted his head and shouted.

"The bounty hunter approaches."

One hundred mercenary Space Pirates re-checked their weaponry.

***

            "Hey."

            "What?"

            "Are you alive?"

            "No."

            A very charred Ned stood over a slightly less charred Ted. 

            "Your suitcase is undamaged."

            "Oh, good. Open it for me, I think my legs were burnt off."

            Ned tapped the large suitcase with one of his toe claws, releasing the catch. Something black burst out of it, swatting Ned in the face before it flew off.

            "Arghh! Another one of your blasted pets!"

            _PLAZMITE: Small insect capable of storing and releasing thermal energy.  Plazmites are attracted to sources of heat, thriving on the energy present there.  They emit light when hunting, and expel small bursts of thermal energy when threatened. _

"It burnt my face! Your damn pet burnt my face!"

            Ned leveled his arm cannon at the Plazmite, which was happily circling a small fire that had erupted from a broken gas pipe.

            "Kill you," Ned growled. Ted tackled him and they both fell to the floor.

            "I suppose your legs were not burnt off, then."

            "Shut up. Do not harm my pet. Remember that we do not possess thermal goggles, it will help us in any darkened areas."

            "Very well. Now get off of me before I really burn your legs off."

            Ted retrieved his suitcase.

            "I do not think that your pet will want to leave that flame," Ned observed. The Plazmite cooed and chattered as it flew in circles around the gas flame.

            "You know nothing. Plazmites are very simple creatures."

            Ted held the suitcase open toward the insect and pressed a small red button on the handle. The interior of the suitcase suddenly became white-hot. The Plazmite abandoned its gas fire in favour for the warmer suitcase, which Ted closed.

            "I designed it myself."

            "You are very unorthodox for a soldier."

            "And you, studying a foreign language! Let us find our subject before she escapes us."

***

            The corridor was well lit, the light glinting on Samus's visor. It was an endless tunnel of gray metal, sloping up and down sometimes, with doors set into its walls at regular intervals. She paused ever so often to investigate the rooms behind the doors, but all they held were workstations with various test subject organisms, some of them Space Pirates. Forsaking caution, she decided to use her Speed Booster. The end of the corridor must lead to somewhere more interesting.

***

            "Damn it!"

            "What?"

            "Subject is out of radar range," Ned grumbled. The dot on the radar had been there one moment, gone the next.

            "Now what do we do?"

            They were running along the same corridor their quarry was in. The Plazmite in Ted's suitcase was scratching to get free. 

            "The map says there's a transport unit nearby."

            "How convenient for those lazy scientists," muttered Ted, "They probably spent so much time standing in one place, they forgot how to walk."

            "A poor attempt at humour, Ted."

            "Shut up."

            Ned screeched to a halt in front the transport room and they went inside. 

            "What is this thing?" Ted wondered. A large blue metallic dome, fifteen feet high and wide, dominated the room. A small control panel was built into it.

            "You simpleton. It is a teleportation unit."

            "You know how to use it?"

            "Of course! Get in."

            Ned manipulated the control panel and an opening appeared on the side of the dome. Ted went inside, it was cold as Space. Ned joined him seconds later, the doors closed to pure liquid blackness. 

            "Now what?"

            "Patience, you fool."

            Blinding white light from below. Ted looked down and saw that his torso and suitcase had disappeared.

            "What…"

            …And they were gone. When they could see again, bright flashes of light were all around them and they recognized the sound of gunfire, mixed with the cries of war and death from Space Pirates. Instinctively they dove to the ground, without time for Ted to check if his body was whole again. Ned looked around, and crawled on claws and knees to the nearest mercenary Pirate who was firing madly at something above and beyond the computer console Ned was crawling behind.

            "Excuse me, but…"

            "Die, Bounty Hunter!" the mercenary suddenly roared. He was an ice statue a nanosecond later.

            "Well, that answers my question," Ned muttered. He crawled back to Ted.

            "We're in the centre of the research lab. The subject is being assaulted by a great number of mercenaries."

            "You state the obvious! I saw _him_ being frozen…"

            At the mention of now-frozen mercenary, the selfsame mercenary disintegrated when a Power Bomb was detonated. Again, Ned and Ted were flung against a wall, even though the computer console in front of them took the brunt of the blast.

            "Blasted concussive weaponry," Ted was saying, "Giving me a concussion…"

            Ned hid himself behind some wreckage to observe Samus.

            "Data entry… subject possesses an ice diffusion missile which freezes objects within approximately ten yards of impact…"

            Ned winced at what Samus did next.

            "Subject possesses the ability named 'Screw Attack'."

             "Horrible, isn't it?" Ted commented.

            "Yes," Ned agreed. Samus was eliminating her enemies with cold calculation. By merely watching her, their circulatory fluid ran cold. Some she dispatched with a diffusion missile, some she hacked apart with the screw attack. Many more she destroyed with ice beams alone (one ice beam froze, the second one tore apart the atomic structure). There was no hesitation. There was no mercy. Ned and Ted were awed at her efficiency.

            "It is best that we do not intervene," Ned decided.

            "You coward," Ted sneered, and began to rise from their cover, "I will…"

            Ned yanked him downward.

            "Silence. Do you wish to be destroyed? There are twenty mercenaries remaining. They have spent their lifetimes doing battle, but they will not kill her."

            "Are you supporting the Bounty Hunter?" Ted asked, incredulous that a Space Pirate would say such a thing.

            "Watch," Ned replied.

            Samus was out of sight; she had last been seen on the far eastern end of the room. Six mercenaries stood on the catwalks above Ned and Ted. The rest were on the ground floor, waiting. The silence was broken by rapidly approaching footsteps.

            _"Here she comes," _the Rank C Soldiers thought. Even at the extreme velocity she was moving at, Samus flawlessly targeted the catwalk and the resulting diffusion missile literally froze the six mercenaries in their tracks. She sped past the hiding place of Ned and Ted (who had ducked lest she saw them) and, so great was her momentum, burst _through_ a mercenary that stood in her path. His internal organs (internal no longer) splattered the ground. Samus slowed down, pausing behind a steel girder. Fourteen varying streams of gunfire battered the girder, twisting and warping it into a grotesque shape. There was a sharp _crack_ as it gave way; the platform it supported crashed down, adding to the carnage of machinery in the room.

            "She's disappeared again," Ted whispered, "How does she _do_ that?"

            Above where the six ice statues stood was an explosion. Frozen bits of Space Pirates showered the duo beneath. Samus leaped off the obliterated catwalk to utilize her Space Jump (that Ned duly noted). With great deliberation, she spun through midair and killed four of the fourteen with the screw attack. The combined barrage of gunfire from the other ten forced her to land, however (the screw attack could only withstand so much opposing force, Ned muttered into the recorder). The mercenaries and the duo waited. 

            "She has exhausted all of her attacking methods, I am sure," Ned whispered.

            "Do you still believe that she can win?" Ted derided, "You are traitorous to even suggest…"

            "Oh, I am sure," he affirmed, "If she defeated Kraid, Phantoom, Draygon _and _Ridley in a single mission, these mercenaries are nothing but cannon fodder for her."

            Ned, to Ted's consternation, was proven correct within the next five seconds. Samus leaped twenty feet upward from her hiding place, was struck down by three sharpshooters, but fired a diffusion missile into their midst. Ned counted nine statues as Samus easily picked them off with ice beams before landing. The final mercenary was frozen from the arms downward, and judging from the howls, was in excruciating pain. Ned would later realize, the unfrozen blood could not circulate through cold, solid arteries. Ned and Ted made no move to assist as Samus calmly walked up to him. Delirious in his agony, he uttered a tirade of curses to his tormentor. Samus transformed her arm cannon, and, with both her hands, ripped his head off, taking a piece of the spinal cord with it. The blood cooled and congealed while it flowed down the frozen remains.

            "She's strong," Ted remarked, swallowing the bile that had risen to his throat. Ned wanted to retch but held it back. Samus would hear, and he wanted to keep his head, his head was valuable to him. He heard English words being spoken.

            "What? What the hell did she say?" Ted demanded.

            "She said something about blood looking different on ice, I don't know," Ned groaned. Witnessing the savage dismemberment had taken its toll on his stomach. He realized that such a weakness would prevent him from being promoted in any way… what kind of soldier retched at the sight of blood?

            "She's leaving."

            Ned wanted to reply, "Good, the less we see of her the better!" but he had priorities. He rummaged through the frozen remains of some unfortunate warrior and took the ID plate that is welded onto the arm or scythe of each Space Pirate.

            "This can be used to access escape pods. We must report to Central Command. They need the information we currently have, and whatever else we can learn. We have to follow."

            "To our deaths?" Ted mocked. 

            "Very possibly."

            Ned sounded as if they were dead already. 


	3. RO

Chapter 3: RO

Following too close for comfort, Ned made several more reports on Samus' abilities (wall-jumping surprised him, the physics involved were complex). Ted mumbled about getting passed-out-on-the-floor drunk after this ordeal, so he could forget it. Intoxicating substances were always prohibited on HYMY-734, but now that he had no commanding officer or barracks, Ted would do as he pleased.

            "Where did she go?"

            _Not again,_ Ted thought. That Human/Chozo/Metroid/X female was sneakier than a Shadow Pirate.

            "Oh, there."

            Part of the wall in front of them was shimmering. It became solid after a few seconds.

            "The hell? Why does a research lab need holographic walls?"

            "X-Ray Visor intact," Ned reported gloomily, then, "It's a restricted area, and if I know anything about restricted areas, it will have some deadly trap or the other."

            "Oh, a ray of light you are," Ted complained, but followed.

            Darkness. Ted clicked open his suitcase and the Plazmite flew out, hungrily searching for a heat source. By its glow, they made out a fifty-foot wide circular hole in the metal floor before them, dropping down to infinity. A huge winch sat on their right, its hook suspended over the hole. The walls were covered with blank monitors and large bits of machinery sticking out here and there, all the way up to the featureless ceiling. The machines looked like deadly armaments, usually found on warships.

            Samus was on the opposite end of the chasm, silhouetted redly in the Plazmite light and staring directly at them.

            "Ah…!"

            "Sh!" warned Ned, "Let's back up, slowly, maybe she won't…"

            Ted knocked him to the floor and a diffusion missile, spitting cold blue exhaust, sped over their heads and out of the holographic entrance.

            "You were saying?" muttered Ted, and, forgetting his suitcase, grabbed Ned and began to drag him toward the entrance.

            While Samus thought of firing another missile (those two look pathetic. They just want to get away, but they're still Space Pirates) the floor trembled and she hopped backward, away from the hole in the floor.

            Something huge, black and ugly shot out of the hole and snapped the Plazmite right out of the air with a resounding _crunch._ The monitors hummed into sudden life all around the hideous creature as it flapped black wings, airborne. Red warning lights silently flashed everywhere, illuminating the _thing._

            "My Plazmite! And, what in Space is _that?"_ cried Ted.

            "Those fools went through with it!" Ned shouted angrily as the _thing_ breathed heavily and glared around at the monitors, "They've made a Ridley/Metroid hybrid!" 

            Samus was fascinated. Its head, wings and tail were Ridley's, but its chest glowed like an Omega Metroid's. Closer scrutiny with her Scan visor revealed throbbing, dark red veins covering the black scaly hide of the Ridley/Metroid.

            _"New data entry: Ridley Omega. A hybrid of Omega Metroid and Ridley DNA._ _Extreme caution is advised."_

Ridley Omega, beating the still air with his wings, snorted and turned to Samus. Its jaws opened, and a second set of jaws, those of an Omega Metroid, popped out and lunged toward her. Samus jumped and the jaws crunched into the floor. Ice Beams hit the extendable Metroid jaws and Ridley Omega screamed.

            _"Vulnerable to ice," _Samus completed her Scan visor entry. 

            Ned and Ted sat against their end of the wall and gaped.

            Withdrawing his frozen Metroid jaws, RO breathed flames at Samus. She countered with a sustained ice beam that nearly overloaded her arm cannon. The flames neutralized, she shot an ice missile into the still-open maw. RO swallowed it and the light of his glowing chest became dimmer. He wavered and landed on top of the winch, right next to Ned and Ted. They jumped up and ran to the other side of the room as the machine splintered and snapped beneath RO's weight.

            "Beautiful, isn't it?"

            "Not if it eats us," replied Ned. RO had blocked the holographic entrance/exit with his bulk so they just needed to get out of the way for now and hope the bounty hunter killed it, or else, RO would eat them.

            Samus leaped onto the firing mechanism of a cannon, set high on the wall, and peppered RO's Metroid chest with ice beams. Ineffective. RO spat a fireball at her and she jumped to another wall cannon. Her arm cannon was blazing blue energy.

            "What's she gonna do?" wondered Ted.

            "You know, it's no use asking questions to which the answer will be apparent," grumbled Ned. They were depending on their mortal enemy, and he had to put up with additional stupidity besides.

            RO opened his mouth… 

            Samus fired off a fully charged diffusion missile…

            When RO gulped it down, the shock of sub-zero ice spreading throughout his internal organs forced him to land. He perched opposite the two Pirates and made horrible choking sounds. Samus readied another missile.

            "It's dying," mourned Ted.

            Ned noticed that the exit was unblocked. He motioned silently and the two Pirates snuck toward their escape.

            RO retched and tried to breathe. He generated a fireball, and felt some of the pain melt away. Samus noticed his chest area regaining its glow.

            "Oh, no, you don't!"

            As the fireball grew larger and RO's jaws parted, Samus released the charged missile. The fireball exploded blue, and RO's maw was encased in ice. He could not breathe. He stumbled about, gasping dryly and flapping his wings. Samus made her last Scan entry.

            _"Fatal flaw in RO structure: Oxygen is needed in vast quantities to sustain energy levels."_

            Ridley Omega staggered, screeched and fell into the floor chasm. Samus saw him fall far, far downward with her Thermal visor before he disappeared.

            Predictably, alarms joined the flashing red monitors. Samus translated what one of them read:

            _"ALT-F4 FACILITY COMPROMISED. SELF DESTRUCT IN 1:00"_

One minute. They really wanted to kill her.

***

            Ned and Ted were a kilometer above ground when the research facility melted down. Thousands of acres of rock and metal flew into the atmosphere; the shockwave sent their small pod hurtling far into Space.

            "That was fun," muttered Ned as the craft stabilized.

            "What of the Hunter?"

            "Let's hope for the best."

            He turned to the tiny control panel. Central Command went for economy of scale in their escape pods. 

            "Set course: Beta Quadrant, Sector 4."

            "Huh? That's not Central Command."

            Ned grinned as only a Space Pirate could.

            "I've changed my mind. We're going to Scoria!"


	4. Scoria

Chapter 4: Scoria

            Scoria: the pleasure district of Beta Quadrant. It was the solitary planet of a lone star, in the middle of Human and Space Pirate territory. Its location made it an excellent military outpost, but over time the bases became cities where any number of illegal activities might be held. Although humans claimed it, Space Pirates were still to be found here and there, engaging in illicit trades, getting drunk at hidden bars and (of course) having great brawls in the alleys behind those bars.

            Ned and Ted had done something different. Using the credits gained from ID plates (Ted confessed he had done a bit of private collecting in Samus' wake) they had their smaller-than-average bodies modified by extensive surgery (the surgery being done by a shady Space Pirate Researcher who had found a goldmine in such highly illegal procedures). They now were humanoid in shape, their limbs replaces by bionics (Ted complained bitterly that humans had no natural defenses such as scythes and claws). It took them a few weeks to get accustomed to their new bodies. 

They had human body suits developed for them (by the same shady Researcher, who cackled wickedly as Ned and Ted handed over their credits). In the end they resembled two very tall, barrel-chested humans. And, as humans go, Ned was Asian in appearance and Ted was African ("At least the skin looks nearly the same way"). Their faces were articulated with bionics and a revolutionary emotion-robotic interface that expressed their moods sufficiently. 

Ned spent a month afterward creating an English voice simulator that was integrated into both of their bodysuits. Ted was confounded by the weird sounds emitted from his newly human mouth.

"Creating a full audio translator will take years, humans speak their English badly," Ned explained. But he taught Ted the basics, to understand the words they would need to comprehend in the future.

            Then, the humanoid Ned and Ted walked straight into the human city and set up shop, selling spirituous liquors. Their human clientele (Ted mentioned they smelt good enough to eat) did not notice a thing: the owners looked like humans, and all the customers wanted (after all) was drink and a place to sit down and talk. Ned was satisfied that business was progressing well for the first year. No one, not even the meager police force, cared who the two strange humans were or where they came from; if they brought wealth into Scoria, Scoria welcomed them.

            And then one day, disaster walked into Ned and Ted's bar, wearing a bright blue jumpsuit.

            Ned froze. He nudged Ted. Ted dropped the mug he was cleaning, which rolled across the counter and fell to the floor, shattering. In the wake of tinkling glass the bar fell silent and looked at the owners, then looked at Samus. 

            She walked, the close-fitting jumpsuit flowing along her bodily curvature, and leaned against the polished fake wood of the bar. Several of the patrons put down their drinks, looked at their watches and, suddenly remembering a very important appointment snuck out the exit. But Samus wasn't interested in them.

            She was looking at Ned and Ted, who at the moment looked rather ill.

            "Er…" said Ned, thinking quickly, "Drink?"

            Her gaze was cool and blue as she looked up at him.

            "Space…"

Her cool blue gaze shifted to Ted, who gulped.

"Pirates."

            Ned gave a high, nervous giggle that was as false as his human façade.

            "No Space Pirates here. Drink?"

            She blinked slowly, batting her eyelashes at Ted.

            "Scoria Special, half strength."

            Ted was impressed. A full strength Scoria Special can kill a human fifty times over. He fumbled for another glass with his awkward human hands and ducked under the bar, opening a container that had a biohazard symbol.

            Ned served another customer and then glanced uneasily at Samus, wishing she would disappear.

            "Why?" she asked calmly, denying him escape with that word and her curious stare. Ned drew himself up, pushing back the acquired hair on his bionic homo-sapien skull. If he was about to die he might as well look dignified.

            "No profit being Space Pirates."

            Silence reigned between them for a few seconds. Ted was pouring a fizzing, foamy fluid into the glass, which Samus took, briefly touching his hand and making his exoskeleton crawl inside.

            "You are both smarter than Mother Brain," she stated, then turned with a flash of blonde hair and left the bar.

            Breath left Ned and Ted in a rush.

            "She complimented us, _and _we're alive!"

            Ted frowned.

            "She stole our glass. She didn't even pay for the drink!"

            Ned whacked his counterpart about the head.

---END---

Author's comments:

I hope more people will come to realize the comical side of the Metroid series. Hope you had as much fun reading as I did typing!


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